'Let me tell you about my trouble with girls...three things happen when they are in the lab...you fall in love with them, they fall in love with you and when you criticise them, the cry.'
The first thing I thought upon hearing this, after controlling my hysterics that someone had uttered these words publicly was...yes, yes I do cry, I cry quite a bit actually. There are numerous things wrong with what Prof Tim said - and if you need me to point those things out then perhaps you're reading the wrong blog. But what struck me was that Prof Tim was right about one thing for me personally, sometimes at work I cry.
But why is crying seen so negatively? When I cry in the workplace it is usually because I feel distressed. And once I begin to cry, I become acutely aware that it is perceived negatively, which makes me more anxious or embarrassed and contributes....god damn it (!) to more crying!! Now despite said crying not affecting my ability to do my job, nor my ability to achieve my goals, crying is still seen as something that is, at best, a nuisance, and at worst a sign that you are incompetent.
Little boys are often told....'big boys don't cry' and when they are older to 'man-up', indeed Mark Wright (from the BAFTA award winning TOWIE) was incessantly shamed on twitter for his crying whilst taking part in Stricly Come Dancing (more than likely also BAFTA winning). The implication being that boys are not to cry because it makes them seem childish or (shock, horror!) feminine. And this is is where I believe the crux of the problem lies. By viewing crying and the showing of distress negatively we create an environment that impacts adversely on everybody.
Firstly, Women who cry are viewed as childish, incompetent and 'not as good as men', problematic for obvious reasons (mainly because one does not equate with the other). Secondly, men's expression of distress is completely eradicated, making it the norm that men do not communicate distress. this is of paramount importance when we consider creating this "stiff upper lip"/"boys don't cry" is one of the factors thought to explain the increased rates of suicide in men, (over 75% in 2012).
And that's the thing about crying...it's a communication of distress. It's a communication that something is not quite working. It's a communication that something needs to change. And only by communicating our distress can we begin to seek and obtain the help that we all find ourselves needing from time to time....Prof Tim included. And so parting words of advice to Prof Tim is this....Woman up! Show a little emotion...It might just be good for you.
I read somewhere once that when you cry, it's because you can't find the words to express what you want to say. Babies do this obviously but I also recognise that I do this a lot! Once you can recognise this is happening it gets a bit easier to try and communicate how you're feeling verbally so I've been working on this recently and it does help with the tears! What you say about the stereotypes of boys not crying is very true. I've known teachers who continue this 'normative' culture by establishing that 'big boys don't cry' and 'stop behaving like a little girl'. Whenever I've heard this I've challenged it and often had a positive reaction. It's usually so ingrained that people don't necessarily realise the detrimental affect. Which is why I feel a bit sorry for Prof Tim in all of this. He needs educating not eradicating...
ReplyDeleteyeah there was an interesting article on the guardian about how we need to stop vilifying individuals and work towards changing/educating society overall...I'll see if I can find it!
ReplyDelete